An Epistle from Saul of Tarsus
Some chose to leave. Some chose to stay and fight. I became lost and chose to write.
Saul sends his greeting
To Evangelicals spread throughout Christendom:
Saul of Tarsus, along with the brothers Franklin and James, bring you greetings from outside of prison.
I have been thanking God for your incredible faith during the difficulties you have faced under the Obama administration. I have been told that this “persecutor of conservatives” has forced believers everywhere to have health insurance in case they, or a loved one, were in need of care. Do not let such radical teachings persuade you from the ill health impoverished people so rightly deserve.
Evangelicalism’s unwavering faith
Evangelicals everywhere have heard of how badly you are being persecuted because of your intolerance. You are to be admonished for your unwavering strength and perseverance despite infiltration into your churches by liberals. Do not think at all like the world, but empty your mind of all rationality; for faith must remain blind in order for self-righteousness to abound.
Franklin reported to me that there are vast amounts of sexual deviants, in your midst. Do not be deceived like the believers who meet together at World Vision almost were. These deviants will try to tempt you using rational arguments like “we only wish to be treated fairly”. But, do not listen to them; for they only want to take from you the moral authority that God has so graciously bestowed to his chosen few.
Do you not remember, it was our Lord who refused to help a Samaritan woman because of her sexual deviance? And don’t you remember the woman that was caught in adultery. The people wanted to let her go, but did not our Lord say “stone her, for it is what God’s Word demands”?
The Kingdom of God
Indeed Jesus made it clear that only those who are self-righteous can make it into the kingdom of God.
Remember, you are God’s people, his chosen nation. Therefore, you must convert as many people to Evangelicalism as possible. The Kingdom of God depends upon your faithfulness to this call; for if we confess with our lips that Jesus Christ is lord, then we are saved. It is essential that you make those who enter your doors to conform to your version of Christianity lest some think you dress shabby, listen to rock music and damage your skin with the ink that tells your story. For this could ruin the testimony you currently don’t have anyway.
I am told there are some among you who are preaching a gospel of love and tolerance – even among the sexual deviants. But, this is the message we preach: that all have sinned (some more than others), and have fallen short of the glory of God. There is no one who is righteous and all are doomed to eternal punishment, unless they repent from all of their sins; past, present, and future. They must shed everything that is worldly and focus on their eternal reward, which is heaven.
The End Times
In the last days there will be many who will say “we desire to know the truth of God” and there will be women who will say “we want to minister alongside our brethren”. Do not let such fancy statements sway you from your devotion to false doctrine, but set an example in word only; for you know that your actions might cause Christians everywhere to follow your lead.
In the last days there will be those among you who will say “let the sexual deviants minister the gospel alongside you”, but you are to remember your devotion to God’s Word. For God has said the only unforgivable sin is sexual deviance. Christ declared this because they bring disease and a general yuckiness to your nation.
Brothers, do not succumb to the darkness of the times. Remember our battles are not against evil, but against certain types of sin. Therefore, put on the full armor of God so that you can fight against a culture war you created. Stand firm with the belt of absolute truth around your waist, with the breastplate of self-righteousness, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes with your ability to answer any objection. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of irrationality so that you can block the arrows of truth when they come your way. Finally, put upon your giant head the helmet of pride and the dull sword of the false spirit, which is your interpretation of the Word of God.
I will be coming to you soon. But, until I come, devote yourselves to “sola scriptura”. You must remember the law that your ancestors received from God; for it is God’s inerrant Word! It is alive and active; powerful and effective, able to justify anything, and divide even the strongest liberal congregation.
Remind those who are rich to be watchful and to share only a small portion of their wealth. For if one is in need of a tunic give him a shoe instead. For a time will come where they will be forced to help those who are impoverished. Give generously to ministry organizations so that when the time comes you might be able to use your wealth to influence their policies should they try to help those you don’t approve of.
In the meantime I will send you a professor of systematic theology and Pseudo-filosofica the apologist, so that you can have complete assurance in everything you do. They will provide your people with fine-sounding arguments. I urge you to collect those arguments and keep them close to your heart, so that you can use them to combat liberalism and science when the time comes.
Stand firm upon the prestigious foundation laid for you, and be imitators of those who are my fellow co-workers, the Pharisees.
Franklin son of William was an influential Evangelical leader during the reign of Obama the Great ↩
Not much is known about James. We know he was influential in helping certain types of families during the reign of Obama the Great ↩
This was during the reign of Obama the great ↩
Indeed this persecution was severe. It was so severe that it has been said, the entire nation was against them. Though some suspect this was a delusion powered by those who need to be victimized in order to confirm the veracity of their faith. ↩
Some translations render this “with common sense” ↩
could also be rendered “homosexuals”, “Gays”, or “Miscreants” ↩
World Vision was an Evangelical humanitarian organization who helped feed starving children. In March of the year 2014, they decided not to discriminate against homosexuals, but quickly reversed their decision because of pressure from Evangelicals who threatened to starve poor children if the policy was not changed. Two days later the policy was changed whereby they were again allowed to discriminate against certain types of Christians. ↩
Considered to be the foundation of the Evangelical gospel. ↩
Apparently, some of the sexual deviants were claiming to be “Christians” ↩
the Law clearly forbade women to have opinions and thus it follows that they are unable to minister as effectively as men were ↩
Some translations use uncomfortableness ↩